Sitting, in my car

I’m sitting in my car.  Not wanting to go home, but not sure where to go.  I have no desire to go anywhere as I sit here, burning dinosaurs (it does get hot just sitting in the car).  I’m typing this on my phone so apologies for any fat-finger words they may appear.  I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be there.  Here and there are both relative at this point and not to be taken as anything more than words on a page (screen).  I believe my status is “present”, but not in the good, mindfulness kind of way; just simply present.

I just left Barnes and Noble which is always a nice stop.  The smell of books and coffee are comforting. It’s the smell of what I believe intellectualism would smell like if it had a smell.

Regardless, I’m still sitting here, waiting for inspiration to direct me to my next destination.  I don’t actually believe it is coming, but sometimes it is nice to pretend.  I assume this would be somewhat like procrastination, but there is nothing for me to procrastinate about.  That would imply something pressing that I needed to attend to. I have no desire for that however.  I don’t want to sit here, but I don’t want to go either.  I’m a glitch in the code, neither a 0 or a 1; a defective bit.

Well, I must leave this parking space.  It’s a good space, close to the front, and now I’m feeling selfish taking this prime location when others are circling for spots.  I may not know what to do or where to go, but “in the way” is just rude.  I shall leave you now, allowing my spot to be used by someone who needs a book, or coffee, or a Breaking Bad bobble-head.  Yes, poor B&N has succommed to selling action figures to support the brick and mortar that houses those wonderful smells I love.  Good day to you I say, good day.


Mark’s Journey – The official end of my job

I decided to create a vlog post on the YouTube channel to talk about the ending of my time with my current employer.  I have no ill will towards them in any way.  They held my position open for me for several months longer than they legally had to and I’m very grateful for that.  Unfortunately, I’m not able to step back into my old role and I’m still having a hard time progressing forward.  With this said, the time came for me to move into the next phase of my disability status with my private insurance.  This triggered the separation of employment, making my tenure there officially over.

Today I went to turn in my laptop, badge, etc. and to also pick up my box of personal items that had been gathered from my office.  It was tough, but not unexpected.  As stated, my former employer had been very understanding of my situation and I knew this day would come.  It doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t sting a bit though when this transition finally occurred.  In the end, it’s pretty simple, they have a business to run and I have to continue working on getting better.  If there is a silver lining, it is that this moment has come, and now passed, which takes the uncertainty out of the picture.  Uncertainty is tough, but it is magnified when someone is dealing with hyper-anxiety, so today…I’m trying my best to look at this silver lining.  Here is a link to the vlog post where I go into more detail.

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