I’m officially suspending the EMDR “My Journey” series indefinitely. Mainly due to the fact that I’m not sure it’s fair to say how much of my therapy now is EMDR and how much are offshoots of the modality. All I know is that my anxiety has officially taken up residence, on my chest. Before, it was stopping by too frequently but would at least go home and provide me with some down time. Now it has moved in to the upper regions of my chest. It also feels like its bed is a gigantic hammock, mounted to each side of my collarbones; each time it plops down it draws my chest together, tighter and tighter.
I’m also waking up each morning to near panic attack levels of anxiety. I’m having the strangest dreams, which I know are absolutely illogical in context, but they are creating such havoc on my anxiety. For example, I was awoken this morning by a dream where I had gotten all reared up because I couldn’t find the right brand of cigarettes at a truck stop I somehow arrived at. Never mind the fact that I don’t smoke, but I had to keep looking for them because the truck stop was closing and we’d all be locked in for hours if I couldn’t check out in time. I was also buying dog food but apparently had no issues finding it. I’m not big into every dream “means” something or there’s a hidden message like…I should start smoking 🙂 . I fall into the camp that dreams are more of a brain discharge, nudged along in some cases by thoughts, experiences, etc. The problem is that anxiety disorders are not logical. Anxiety doesn’t care that I don’t smoke or that truck stops are designed to never close. Anxiety says, “Man, that sucks about your cigs. You should FEEL really nervous and scared about that. Oh, by the way, let me wake you up so you can FEEL it in reality as well.” Bastard anxiety. I know it’s an evolutionary protection mechanism that has kept humans alive for thousands of years, but I just wish somewhere along the way we’d had a switch built in, or at least something like a light dimmer where we could have it calm down a bit. Gee, thanks Natural Selection for conferring with me first…you’re so selfish sometimes. At least the anxiety hasn’t completely dulled out my ability to be a smart-ass!