This summer we took some video of our boys visiting their cousins. They had a great day of playing; running through the grass, chasing toys and each other. I compiled some of our video clips to create a short video of the puppy festivities. It’s also the last video we have of Charlie before he lost his left eye so stay tuned to the end and see a cute picture of him staring up at the camera with a big smile on his face.
Here is the official news report of Murphy being a bad doggy! 🙂
He has apparently killed Superman…which is a definite “no-no”. However, in Murphy’s defense, he is a sucker for squeaky toys. Who knew Superman’s heart was a plastic squeaker???
Discombobulated. That’s the word that comes to mind when trying to describe how I feel now at this point in my EMDR journey. The word just sounds right. It’s one of those words that just saying it (or trying to spell it) makes you feel, well…discombobulated. Its definition states, “to confuse or disconcert; upset; frustrate”, which pretty much sums up where I’m at right now. I feel that I’ve progressed and regressed at the same time; two steps forward, two steps back. Or, could it possibly be I’ve been at the same point this whole time and just feel exhausted, not willing to accept that I haven’t moved at all – explaining why I look down and still see myself standing on square one?
What I know for sure is that something is different. There is a calm I have now which appears to be a good thing, but I’m not convinced it’s real. I’m a known pessimist so this view shouldn’t be surprising, yet this actually feels very glass-half-full. This is strange to me because normally at this point I’m looking for my second round and now it seems like I can’t get there because I’m too busy enjoying the first half of my drink. At the same time, my anxiety seems to be all over the place; high/low, big/small. I feel like I’m yelling and screaming but trapped inside a giant Zen ball. It’s as if I’m trapped inside Buddha’s belly.
My therapist told me that I’d by hypersensitive during this process and I am starting to see what she meant. This may explain the extreme calm and anxiety spikes occurring almost simultaneously. The silver lining is that things are moving, or at least something is happening. What worries me is if I’m playing a zero-sum game or is this shake-up of emotions leading me to a better place. As I stated earlier, I still feel like I’m on square one, but it’s still early, very early actually, in this journey. I’m still optimistic, but patience has never been a virtue of mine unfortunately. I feel like the character from an old cartoon my mom had clipped out years ago, “Lord, grant me patience…but please hurry.”
One positive theme through this though is that I’m still on board, still along for the ride. I’ll just feel better once I have some more concrete wins under my belt. However, I’ve always looked for the concrete wins, the black and white, the sure thing; that’s what quiets the anxiety. That line of thinking though has gotten me to this point – way down the road, discombobulated. Which leads me to what honestly scares me the most. What if “wins” aren’t so concrete at all, what if happiness is the gray? This leads me to my biggest fear, the biggest question of all: How does someone know what the gray looks like if they’ve always lived in a black and white world?
The journey continues…
As I mentioned in my previous post, I’ve recently started the process of trying EMDR as a new therapy technique to add to my ever-growing chest of tools to help with my anxiety and OCD. After being referred to a therapist, who I have confidence in and feel comfortable with, we started to lay the groundwork needed to start this therapy. We started with a family mapping to provide a guide as to “who’s who” in my family (more of a very informal genealogy). I was then tasked with putting together a Negative History list, which, as the name indicates, meant putting down on paper all of the items in my past that I could remember as being negative and the age they occurred. I then had to rate each item with my current distress level. Wow, talk about a stress inducing exercise! I’d never done anything like this before. Sure, we all have negative items in our past that we remember and hopefully are able to get past or deal with at some point, but we normally handle them one at a time. Let’s just say, intentionally sitting at my laptop (oh yeah, I said laptop…I needed a spreadsheet for my list) and purposefully recalling bad things was not very high on my bucket list. To be fair, I’ve had a great life and my intent isn’t to make it sound like I’ve lived this horrible existence or make trivial jokes about bad things that happen to others. However, [(to be fair) = (logical)], and anxiety disorders are not logical, they are infuriatingly illogical.
Now that the groundwork had been laid, in yesterday’s session I got my first taste of EMDR. Actually, it was more like the caffeine-free, diet EMDR. I can officially say I lasted a full 60 seconds before I had to stop and work out the details of my imaginary safe place. A “safe place” simply being a mental setting where I feel safe and comfortable. My safe place was a deserted island where I could put my toes in the sand, my beer always stayed cold, and the sun beamed down on my face. So why did I stop? Well, I tend to overthink things, as in, pretty much all the time. It’s been a tremendous asset professionally and in the classroom when used judiciously; though it can become almost crippling when let loose. Embarrassingly, I let a bit too much reality creep into my safe place in the form of my fair skin and that wonderful sun beaming down. Yes, I have to admit, I was worried about a sunburn. I always have to put on SPF 3000 or I get burnt at the beach so it just naturally snuck in on me. In all fairness (pun intended) if I had to overthink, at least it was for purpose of practicing good skin health. Anyhow, I opened my eyes, admitted I needed to tweak the sun’s rays on ‘Mark Beach’, and asked if we could restart.
Other than my little run in with imaginary sunburn, the small taste of the experience went well. I’m still excited about the new therapy technique and remain optimistic that it can help. I look forward to my next session and continuing down the road to tackling the underlying issues of my anxiety. I’ll keep you posted — Surfs Up!
I’ve always tried to be very open to the fact that I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder 1, 2, 3. I don’t necessarily wear it as a badge of honor but I’m also not ashamed of having mental health issues any more than I’m ashamed of having to take medicine to help control my high blood pressure or cholesterol. I also take medicine to control seasonal allergies and I’m Vitamin D deficient. There you have it, my health issues in a nutshell. Please feel free to run away, flail and scream if you need to…I understand seasonal allergies can be a scary thing.
I don’t know why I feel like I have to start out conversations regarding behavioral health with a smart-ass opening. Actually, that’s a lie, I know why I do it; I feel it provides me with a “guilt-buffer” for those who might not make it to the second paragraph. I’m always assuming people will see “mental health” and run, or proceed to discredit anything I have to say from that point forward. It’s a very glass-half-empty approach, I get that, but we do live in a world where we are vastly entertained and tremendously ill informed on so many issues of merit. I worry that as soon as that phrase, mental health, is uttered I have to use a “don’t judge me because my serotonin absorption levels are not at peak performance…it’s not my fault”!!! Ahhhhh…overthinking; classic side effect of OCD. I promise, the irony of this is not lost on me.
Anyhow, the original reason I started this post was to provide an update on a new type of therapy I am trying called EMDR 4, 5. It’s a relatively new therapy that was originally used for those with PTSD and other trauma related disorders. However, its efficacy has been so promising that it has been used, and tweaked, to help treat other disorders such as anxiety, depression, and OCD. I am working with a new therapist who specializes in EMDR and who has had success tailoring the technique to treat conditions such as mine. We are in the early stages and laying the groundwork, which has been tough. Much of the early work involves listing out “negative history” and bringing uncomfortable items to the forefront so that they can be confronted, and ultimately dealt with. While these exercises have increased my anxiety quite a bit, I at least feel there is a logical conclusion to this increased discomfort.
I am curious though, have any of you had experiences with trying EMDR? Good or bad, I’d love to hear any thoughts or comments you have regarding EMDR, mental health, or heck, even my seasonal allergies.
The music world suffered a big loss this week with the passing of Scott Weiland. I wanted to post a simple video paying my respects to one of my favorite singers, performers, songwriters, and overall great artist.
We’ll miss you Scott. I’m honored to have been able to see you live in concert and I thank you for sharing your talents with the world. I hope the demons that plagued you have been silenced; never having to worry about them again. Sending peace and thoughts to your family.
I was able to capture a little bit of the two youngest dogs (Spencer and Carter) playing. Charlie is hanging out in the background, keeping an eye on things. Murphy makes a cameo in the beginning.